One of blues is ....CRYIng

Just after I closed the door behind me, then in front of me, I saw a face. It is very familiar face. I see it everyday but today, it was in different composure. Tears were coming down from my eyes. I don't know the reason why they were there but somehow, the tears gradually increase that I broke down crying away. I keep asking myself, what is happening to me? Why am I like this? I have never feel like this before. The tears keep flowing and I just comfort myself on my bed with the lights off.

An hour later, my tears were still there. Once awhile, I was able to hold back my tears but other time, I cry again. Even right now, as I am typing away, the tears are still there. I don't know why this is happening to me. Is it because of something sad or is it because of something has touched my heart. Or is it because of something I feel so much joy of from doing it...that this is the tears of happiness.

I am clueless. Do you have any idea?

Things I have longed to do

1. Taking the time to take pictures of the nature.
2. Prayer and bible reading.
3. Spending the time talking to friends from high school.
4. Calling up my friends who are afar.
5. Just enjoying the peaceful time at home, in the presence of my house mate.
7. Lay my fingers on the piano again.
6. Rest! Rest! Rest!
7. Take some little time and then to play Tomb Raider: The Anniversary

Sakit hati

I have never realized that a past can haunt a person's life, either in short time or the rest of his or her life. The past can be something experienced between other person, a tragedy, events, and others. I had mine before between people and it is amazing how God show me to forget them as time comes. I guess without the love of God and His forgiveness, I would definitely be cold-hearted person. Anyway, with the grace of God, I have renewed heart and a heart that is pure for Him.

There is another person who is trap in the remnent of his past. As hurtful it is to see a person, whose heart was once pure and carefree, turned hard because of how he was being treated before. Yet, he would still love her with a hope that love would changes everything. However, things weren't what he thought so, she was against him, his friends were against him. Now, he fears everyone around him although he has a pure heart to reach put to everyone and curious to care for them. It is heart-trenching to see how his life can be affected by little and fear looms over him as scary as the darkness covers the sky. No matter how much I want to help him, I pray that God will renew his heart and be the King of his throne, and show that life is still wonderful.

*sob *sob What is done is done, what is done cannot be change. Ever think of how your action, even small ones, can affect people?

Christmas Eve

A time to for friends
to show their love
n remember the past
we have shared together

A time to know that
they are still behind us
to show support
and their wonderful encouragement.

A time to get together
to share fun and laughter
drink a chai or two
or dance around for real

A time for the lights to shine
or christmas balls to roll
pine tress to decorate
or gifts to be given.

A time to stay up
late into the midnight
to know that next day
is the day of Jesus Christ

How wonderful all these
how great His love is
how wondergul to be near Him
he is the love of my life.


Dedicate to those who had fun at the Elim Gospel Church Christmas Eve and at my house for chai and dance. Thanks Rain for everything... I love the bracelet u gave me n will keep wearing it. Also d dance....hehe I have wonderful memory. :P Mudit, thanks for your support n encouragement.

You know...

...that they are your great friends when they:

1. Listen to your heart's problems.
2. Compassion about your troubles.
3. Give you thoughtful advise.
4. Lend you a hand for help.
5. They give all their best for you.
6. Be there for you in your time of needs.
7. Encourages you all the way through.

I am really touch by my wonderful friends today especially the hard time I am having right now to do my graduate applications. Somehow, I feel more motivated and full of purpose to do my best and the reasons are for them, that I will make them happy and proud of me aside from paying them back for their kindness. Thank God for these wonderful friends: Appa, Paul, Moo, Jinhee, and Fan. God has been really great and He has answered my prayer to grant me true friends. May God bless them as each of them walk down the life's path with full of motivation, determination and dreams.

Gomenasai!!!

Heheh....I know that many people have been asking about me. Where have I been, or what am I up to... :D . Actually, if you are smart enough you can guess what I have been up to lately. My absence in the world of MSN tells it all especially to those whom I chat the most with. Come to think about it, my friends over in KK are very smart in social behaviour...hehe. :D If you still don't get it, ahaha... ask me lar.

Zeuven~~~ sorry that I didn't call you lately. I hope you got your replied email. Since I am in the beginning of first stage, everything is total new experience for me. :D Anyway, I have just ended my third week of winter break and things have been really different since then. This Christmas I am staying in Rochester again for my GRE study. It is really unproductive of me to keep staying here like this and not being able to go anywhere. By the way, can I visit you some time after I graduated? What are you up to for Christmas?

The loneliness faded away

It is wonderful to see how God work things out. In the summer, I was praying to God a lot that I am going to be lonely in Fall Quarter as I wouldn't be able to see my close friends . Life turns meaningless as I have no one to look upon to, no one to place my care on , no one to talk to , no one to listen to his/her life chanting. Study wasn't my main goal, although I know it is important for the secure of our future. Since young, I have learned, from whom I have observed, life is not about work if there is no friend coming to our life to share our story or share in his or her life as well, especially during the old age. God make humans for a purpose , to learn about relationship. With this relationship only that we are able to see God's meaning of love in us.

Back to the point, my loneliness was first shared with Jinhee. She was once very lonely person. She told me how she wanted friends so much and on the same time fear of the people around her. I understood how she felt because I felt that way before. Despite of that, she is a strong woman and she took much more braver step than I did, and now what she has sowed, she reaped bountiful of friends who trust her for her genuine friendship and care. She is the one, among the mist, who is so fervent to God in prayer for each of us. She is also a very spiritual person who makes me understand more about God's word. I thank her so much for leading the Bible study.

Jinhee being a motherly-like friend in our mist, there is a fatherly-like friend as well in my circle of friends. In the beginning, when I first talk to him, he is very tricky person and teased me a lot to the point that I doubt whether he is a good guy or not. But as time past, I get to find out that he , deep in his heart, is a humble and kind person. In the same time, he is very observant and analyze people's behavior very well. Now, I can understand he could know someone's personality by just looking at us and knowing a few things from us. Amusing as it is, he still manage to bond a strong friendship with everyone and on the same time being caringly critical. Hahaha...he is funny now that I recall what kind of person he is. There was one day, he wasn't there with us, all of us couldn't study at all because we missed so much of his fatherly presence. Everyone calles him 'appa'now. :D I ask that God will meet his heart's desire to seek a wonderful Christian woman to share his life with. He was once lonely person, a life much more saddening than we have, praise God that he has found his purpose in life.

Hermano...hermano...he is so funnny. I can say that he is the source of lifelines in our mist. I guess without him, the group would be really quiet. Appa said that he is like Simon in the Book of Mark. Appa said Simon is Jesus favorite disciple because he receives God's word and understand on it so easily and never make second thoughts. I think what he said is true. Just a new believer a few months back, he is able to share the gospel so easily and conveniently and yet understand the truth of it more than anyone of us. Sometimes, I am amazed that I get more knowledge and wisdom from him even though I am older Christian. God has blessed him so much. He told me as well, he prayed to God because he was worried of being lonely as well in the Fall. My gud friend, Marcos Daniel, whom I taught Chinese last year , always recommended me to meet his housemate but I never actually did . However, with every mention of his name Paul, there is a spur of feeling in my heart that someday he will be a friend, an unusual friend. (haha...this was how i met my best friend too, Zerene also, Jinhee also, Zeuven- I am not sure lol ) Indeed, now he has become my lovely brother. Mischievous as he is but he is a very passionate person. Luv ya, hermano! I wish I could express more my luv to u as a sister who loves her brother very much.

aiyaya.... to be continued.

Friends....

Warh........... is all I can express for the day! I am just speechless. I don't have much words to say about the day because God has been good to me. Just like the lyrics from Aaron Shust, ' I owe (Him) my life.' I am awestruck by His work and blessings.

This week is the starting of Week 8 and many good things have happened to me. Time sure pass by quickly when I am learning something new everyday, or when I am having fun. Although things might be challenging sometimes, I always pray that God will guide and just show me what is it that He wants me to learn. Also, I am grateful that I have been surrounded by friends who care for me so much. I learn something different from each person around me. They are sure wonderful creature of God. I see that God appreciates every individual and longs to have intimate relationship with Him. I see that everyone is unique in his or her own way. Knowing this really encourage myself to be who I am as God created me special as well. I pray that the Holy Spirit will make use of me in fellowship to other about God's unconditional love. May my fervent for God do not fade out under the wave of difficulties and worries. May my focus on God be as straight as the light shines onto the earth. :D

To Zeuven, I miss you a lot. Sorry for not being able to talk to you.

If you could join hands in prayer, pray for the salvation of Moo and Preety. Thanks!

Confusion

I don't know why,
so many mixed feelings
now roams in my heart.

Some are whites,
Some are black,
But in between
comes all other colors:
blue, yellow, red and green.

Please I want to know
if I can rearrange these colors
To see the image it is
Just the edges is sufficient.

Lord, you are my foundation,
May it be firm and robust
It's you Lord that I listen,
Let me focus that his salvation
Is what matter most...
despite of this palette.

Faith in friendship

I try not to blame myself ,
I try to learn from mistake.

I try to hear my conscience,
I try to stop making wrong actions.

But the same thing still happens,
I wonder when does this stop.

I don't mean to hurt people,
neither do I mean to send wrong signal.

All I have is just the word CARE,
I admit I invested it at a wrong place.

It's so hard to be God's servant,
To represent His love it's hard.

Sometimes I wish to be silent,
But that's not how God wanted it to be.

I will learn I need to learn.
Please teach me something that I don't know.

I still have hope for what is ahead of me
God you have to teach me.

May my heart still flourish
May my heart be refresh.

These all I ask, Lord.
These all I seek. Amen.

Somewhere in the middle

Carina send this song to me an hour ago. After following with the lyrics, it entirely describe what I am feeling right now, or should say past few weeks. I hope Lord will give me sound resolution to my heart's cry and wanting.

Artist: Casting Crowns
Song: Somewhere In The Middle

Lyric:
"Somewhere In The Middle"

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Week 2

I started off my Week 2 , to me, I think something unexpectedly. I woke up at 6.30 am and went back to sleep again thinking that I could woke up after 10 minutes. Once I opened my eyes and looked at my digital alarm clock blurry, it was 7. 55 am. I was really shock but I was still calm. By the time I got to the class, I missed the first quiz of my Genetic class. At that time, I was still not awake from my sleep but however, I sat through the class still able to focus on what Dr Rothman was saying.

Well...I am not relieved over what happen this morning. I am a little bit tense. I kept thinking about what is missing in my quarter this year. What is so different about this quarter than the quarters before?

1. Coming into the class and see familiar faces.
2. The smiles and laughter during class break.
3. Asking each other about homework.
4. Catching up with each other's plan of the day.
5. Seeing familiar faces around the campus.
6. Hanging out together in RIT events.
7. Messaging each other on MSN.
8. Just the feeling of sitting with friends on each other side.
9. Listening to a friend's problem and lament.
10. The awe and wonder for friends.


I pray so much everyday that God will give me sense of peace and replace my heart with something new. I thank God that He gave me a companion like Park Jinhee, Fan and Zerene. But, things still not the same. I hope I can find peace for this and be brave to move on by myself with lots of God's grace, especially now that I am planning my way to graduate school.

The memories of the old days are the source of motivation for me to press on